he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
