do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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