My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
