Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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