Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
