i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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