Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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