Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
