Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
