its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
