I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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