Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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