Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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