Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
