Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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