I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
