god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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