I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
