You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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