I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
