im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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