apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
