dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
