yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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