saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
