i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
