hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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