Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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