I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
