I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
