So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We talked him into tasing himself.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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