So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
