The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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