filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So vagazzling was a success
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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