dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
