Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
