I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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