I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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