I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
