im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
