so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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