No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
