I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
