So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
