she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
