i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
