I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
