he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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