I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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