Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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