I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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