i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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