My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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